


Anniversary

by robronsugsy



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-30 03:39:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3921547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robronsugsy/pseuds/robronsugsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's June 7th. If you know Aaron's story... you'll know why the date is important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's not like Aaron woke up with a bright shiny smile on his face everyday. In fact, Aaron didn't think he'd ever done that. But today, he could already tell it'd be different. Aaron wasn't one to remember landmark dates - half the time he'd forgotten about his mum's birthday until someone reminded him. But this was one he'd never forget. How could he?

 

After half an hour of tossing and turning in his bed, the same he'd been doing for the last 8 hours only then he was at least half-asleep, Aaron rose to his feet, throwing on his work clothes and slowly creeped downstairs. He knew exactly what'd be waiting at the other side of the door, and he didn't want it. But as always, that second step from the bottom of the stairs was a huge giveaway and immediately, he found himself jumping at the door bursting open.

"You alright love?"

Aaron just looked at his mum.

"Do we have to do this? We both know what today is."

Chas let out a deep sigh and tilted her head to the side.

"Come and have some breakfast."

"I'm alright. Honestly. I.. I just need to keep busy."

Chas would usually protest, but she made a promise to herself - as she wriggled in her bed just as Aaron had done most that night - that she'd let Aaron do whatever he wanted today.

"Okay. But do you fancy having something nice for tea? I'll cook-well, I'll get Victoria to rustle us something up before she clocks off!"

Aaron gave a faint smile to his mother. "That'd be nice."

Aaron and Chas shared a few seconds of staring at one another before Aaron broke it and slowly left the pub.

 

Instead of heading towards his car, Aaron seemed to automatically shift himself past the car and walked into the road, before turning left and peering at the house. The house he had lived in. The place he died in.

Aaron let out a small sigh before turning, finding himself colliding with Paddy.

"WOAH-Watch it Paddy!" Aaron exclaimed.

"S-sorry! Wasn't watching where I was going" Paddy fumbled, before wiping a serious look on his face.

"How are you doing?"

"Be a bit better if I knew I wouldn't be asked that by everyone I knew today."

"I know, but, with it being the first time.. you know, you being here, on this date. We're just worried."

Aaron let out a faint smile similar to the one he'd given his mother earlier. He didn't like to be fussed at, but the acknowledgement and caring was nice today.

"I know. But I'm fine. I'm not gonna stand here and pretend like I'm not sad because I am. But I'll do this my way."

Paddy just nodded firmly. "I'll come in for a beer or something tonight yeah?"

"Me and mum are having some tea, pop in and tell her and we'll make it the three of us. Probably end up being four knowing Adam!"

Paddy and Aaron shared a faint laugh, before Paddy patted Aaron on the shoulder and walked off.

 

Aaron took one last glance at the house before looking to the graveyard. He wasn't ready for that. Not yet.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Aaron arrived at the Scrap Yard promptly, and let out a small sigh of relief when he found Adam not yet present. He knew he'd have sympathetic eyes on him all day, so the few moments of silence were nice to have. But as soon as those moments came... he soon realized that maybe sympathetic eyes weren't that bad.

 

Thoughts filtered through his head - back to that day. Aaron hadn't remembered all that much about that time in his life - tried to block most of it out. But that day was too vivid in his mind. The little things he did, he said, the way he looked at Jackson. All of it. Like it was running on a film in his head. Aaron scrunched his face and shut his eyes, before placing his right hand on his head with his left tracing across the material that covered his scars.

 

He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there but it wasn't long before Adam had walked in and shut the cabin door gently, looking at Aaron with - you guessed it - sympathetic eyes.

"You alright mate?" Adam asked with a sigh. 

Aaron just rolled his eyes and Adam already knew what he was thinking.

"I know, stupid question."

"I just wanna get on." Aaron rose to his feet and walked towards the door, only to be stopped by Adam's hand on his shoulder.

"If you need to talk, you know I'm here."

Aaron looked at him with tears in his eyes, before nodding and walking out.

* * *

 

It'd been a long day, despite Adam's protesting that they should stop every few hours, Aaron had refused and they'd been working all day, now 4PM and Aaron was ready to head off home. He knew his mother would be soon calling, especially as he knew that she'd been texting Adam every hour for updates, when Adam would suddenly tense up, look at Aaron and turn around. He was never good at hiding things. Adam had of course invited himself for dinner, so he and Aaron made their way back to the pub.

 

The two boys entered the pub and were met by the usual hustle and bustle of the pub. He looked to the bar and found Paddy and Chas huddled together while at the other side he spotted the Sugden's together. Of course his eyes immediately darted to him - Robert. But Robert had simply given him a brief look before tensing his jaw and looking back down at his pint as his wife stood close by. Aaron knew Robert and Chrissie had gotten things back on track, and that he and Robert hadn't been in the same room for some weeks now. He'd get the odd text from him, the usual "I miss you" "I miss us" schtick, but Aaron had stopped reading them after Day 3 so he didn't know whether Robert had even still bothered after that. He wasn't in the mood to question though, he just wanted the day to be over already.

 

Chas and Paddy immediately straightened their backs and looked to Aaron as they saw him enter. Chas was about to ask him how he was but she knew he wouldn't appreciate the concern.

"Just in time, I've just got Vic to start dinner."

Aaron gave a small smile before Adam's arm wrapped around his shoulders, and with a firm yet comforting slap, Adam lead Aaron into the back as Paddy followed behind.

 

As Aaron walked by the Sugden's, he found Andy standing in front of him, faint tears in his eyes, stood in silence. Adam unhinged his arm and Andy gave him a small gentle touch on the arm, which Aaron gave a faint smile at before continuing to walk.

Robert had noticed the moment and was confused. What was that all about? Why was Andy touching Aaron and why did they all look so glum?

Aaron continued to walk and getting a small smile from Diane who repeated Andy's actions, with Aaron continuing to walk into the back room.

Once again, Robert had noticed the moment and curiosity overtook him, so much so that the second Aaron was out of view, he couldn't hold his tongue.

"What was that about?"

Andy and Diane looked at each other, while Chrissie had now finished her drink and was listening intently too.

"It's been four years since Aaron's partner passed away. First time he's been in the village to celebrate it. Well, experience it, can't say I think there'd be much to celebrate." Diane chirped, looking down to the bar.

"Can't be easy for him, after it all... even now, four years on, it' gotta be tough to be here where it all went down."

Chrissie leaned in as she asked for more information, knowing that there must be something big she didn't know about the mechanic and was more than curious to find out, but Robert had zoned out completely the moment Diane had began speaking.

 

Robert felt terrible. Obviously there was no way of Robert knowing what today was, even if he and Aaron were still "something" he very much doubted Aaron would of mentioned it. But even so, knowing that Aaron would most definitely be feeling down, especially after everything that'd happened this year too, he couldn't help but feel the dread in his stomach. He and Aaron weren't on speaking terms (much like everytime they'd had these "break-ups") but Robert had hoped the multiple weeks of silence on Aaron's end might of softened things a little. Robert of course wanted to have Aaron back in his life but he knew that Aaron wasn't going to back down. He'd usually be the first person to fight for what he wanted but this time Robert knew he had to give Aaron space - he wouldn't appreciate the attempts. Especially when Robert couldn't offer what Aaron wanted. So despite the fact he woke everyday thinking of Aaron, heading to bed every day thinking of him too, Robert knew he was powerless to do anything to get back the one thing that'd made him truly happy. Because Robert had his options - and he'd chosen the easy one.

 

So Robert just stared, looking at the doorway to the back room, knowing every fibre of his body wanted to go back and just hold Aaron, to comfort him and let him know he was there, that he loved him and that no matter what'd happened in the past, he wanted to be there to make Aaron happy again. But he couldn't. And the thought tore Robert up inside.


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner mostly compromised of clattering of cutlery against porcelain, silence and to and fro glances from Paddy, Chas and Adam to one another, while Aaron kept his head down as he slowly shuffled a bit of food onto his fork, take a small bite, before placing the food back on the plate and repeating. Food just wasn't a comfort right now. It was Chas who was brave enough to dare break the silence.

"I know it's hard, but we're all here for you. You know that."

"And you're telling me this why?" Aaron replied, more harshly than he had intended.

"We just don't wanna see you go backwards mate" Paddy interjected.

"I'm not. I'm not pretending like I'm okay today am I?!" Aaron snapped.

"Yeah, but we know it's not just today. I might not be around as much what with the business but I can see somethings been troubling you." Adam replied.

Chas and Paddy shared glances - they knew exactly what had been troubling him (or at least, they knew ONE of the things troubling him). They both knew Aaron and Robert was over - they only had to see the venomous looks the two shared a few weeks back when Robert first got his feet back in at Home Farm. But Chas had also realized that despite Aaron's protesting that he wasn't like her and it was easy for him to forget and move on, he hadn't, and he wasn't doing either convincingly.

 

"I'm fine. So I maybe not the happiest right now but I can't be all the time, but I'm not like I used to be, I can handle it now, I know it'll change."

He didn't, in fact he was sure things would never change for him, but he was able to at least sell the point to the three of them half convincingly.

The trio just smiled faintly - they knew they'd get nowhere - or at least Chas and Paddy knew they wouldn't while Adam was here when they could mention the arrogant, snobby big elephant in the room (or rather, in the next room). So they were happy when Adam made his excuses, hugged Aaron and left.Chas once again braved to brake the silence.

 

"We all knew this time of year wouldn't be easy for you. But we can't help feel like everything with... him, in the other room is still affecting you massively."

Aaron felt his temperature rise - he'd had enough of trying to justify, explain, or whatever he was trying to do when this topic of conversation came up.

"Well he's not. He's not that important. He's back with his _wife_ \- which might I add **I** helped happen. He's moved on, I've moved on. There isn't anything between us anymore. I've not even spoken to him for weeks."

"Yeah but is that because you don't want to or because you're forcing yourself not to?" Paddy once again interjected.

"Can it not be both?!"

The three of them sat in silence for a few moments...

"Okay. I admit, it's not been easy. I might not be able to just switch things... feelings, off. But I've accepted that me and him are never going to be anything to each other. He's never gonna give me what I want and I'm never gonna be enough for him, or anything for him."

Aaron could feel the tears building, but he didn't want to give the two of them the satisfaction of seeing him cry. He found it hard enough to deal with the pain and guilt he'd been feeling for Jackson today without piling Robert on top of it all. So he removed himself from the situation.

"I'm going for a walk. Thanks for dinner."

Aaron kept his head down as he marched out the back.

 

Chas held her head down in defeat and Paddy stroked her arm.

 

Meanwhile, outside, Aaron had momentarily paced around for a few seconds... before peering towards the graveyard.

 

He's ready now.


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron walked steadily in the direction of the graveyard, but made a brief detour to the shop. He wasn't gonna go empty handed.

He walked in and picked up a 6-pack of beers, and a small bunch of flowers.

"Got a date?" David asked chirpily.

"Something like that."

"Who's the lucky fella?"

Alicia just looked at David - she'd been in the pub working so she knew what today was.

"They're for Jackson aren't they?"

Aaron just looked at her and nodded gently, before taking the items and leaving.

Alicia gave David a slap for being inconsiderate, which although he hadn't witnessed it made Aaron laugh as he heard David's shout in pain.

* * *

 

"How did it go?" Diane asked, seeing Paddy and Chas arriving back through the bar.

"As expected. You know our Aaron."

Diane just gave a small smile. "He in the back?"

"No, I think he's gone to see him."

Paddy then left the bar while Chas gave a glaring look at Robert, who she was sure had been listening in. But she hadn't the energy to say anything to him, she was too busy thinking about her son.

So much so, she didn't notice Robert slope off through the door and out into the village.

* * *

 

Aaron sheepishly walked through the graveyard, momentarily stopping as he felt a twinge of guilt and pain seep through him. He removed one flower from the bunch he was holding and placed in on the grave beside him - Katie's. He took a deep breath in and out, before continuing his journey.

 

Upon arriving in front of the gravestone, he gave it a quick wipe with his jacket sleeve, removing the old, withered dead flowers that seemed to have been there for some weeks, and replacing them with the bright, colourful ones he'd just bought. Aaron perched himself besides it, before removing two beers - one set aside, while the other he opened and placed next to the gravestone.

 

He sat in silence... he wasn't sure how long. But the air had thinned and the sky began to darken by the time Aaron finally spoke.

 

"I'm sorry it's been so long. I've been here for almost a year now, just down the road and I've been too busy to just come and see you. You know me, always got something going on - usually bad. I wasn't sure if I was ready to, come and see you that is. I've spent the last few years trying to rebuild myself, my life, trying to be happy, for you. Not exactly worked out the way I planned though. And I'm sorry for that too. I did this to you, and the least I could do was live my life, no regrets. Thing is I've ended up with even more of them than before...."

 

Aaron felt tears once again beginning to form, quickly wiping them away as he took a gulp of his beer.

 

"...I've messed up again haven't I? All this... stuff. It seems my habit of messing things up, ruining lives, hurting people hasn't gone away. Maybe that's all I'm good for. Maybe I'm just always gonna be the one who's gonna cause trouble even though I don't wanna hurt anyone. It's the Livesy curse it seems. No one deserves to be hurt - especially not because of me."

 

Aaron peered over to Katie's grave and took another swig of his beer, placing it down shakily as his body began to tremble.

 

"She knows that. She's suffered because of me. Andy's suffered, everyone has. Because I'm sure you know what I've been up to the last few months. Yeah, you can add mistress to my CV! Or whatever the male equivalent is. Bet you never thought that'd happen eh? Neither did I. I've stopped it now though. I couldn't do it anymore. Not to anyone. Not to his wife, to my mum, to everyone that doesn't even know about it. But to him or to me either."

 

The tears were free flowing at this point, not even the beer was going to be a comfort now.

 

"It's just so hard... I try to forget about him but he's always there. Never leaving. Pulled up a seat right next to you and Katie, always in my head. I just wanna forget about it. Because I'll never get it. I'll never get him. I'm always going to be unhappy, I'm always going to be the one who doesn't get what he wants. I'm always going to be alone. And I can't deal with the pain anymore. I feel physical pain because I love him so much... for everything he is, everything he's done, the arrogance, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation, all of it... I just can't stop loving him. Why?! Why do I have to torture myself over it all?! He's made his choice - apart from it was never a choice for him, it was the only option. I actually had the gall to delude myself at one time that I might of been. But I wasn't. I'm not good enough. Or enough at all. For anyone."

 

"Everyday I wish I could swap places with you. You deserved to be happy, to live a full life, to be someone worth more. You would of been enough for anyone, more than enough. And I took that away from you. I'm so, so, so, so sorry for that. I'll never forgive myself for it."

 

Aaron's tears had muffled his speech and suddenly Aaron just collapsed onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably as he curled up into a ball. Nothing could comfort him now. He would just lay there and cry until the pain numbed.

 

Or so he thought.

 

"Come on Aaron, sit up."

Aaron heard the shaky voice but he wasn't sure it was real. It was only when he felt hands on him, trying to pull him up that he realized it was. He wiped his eyes the best he could through the still ongoing crying, before seeing who it was.

"Robert?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Please, just sit up okay?" Robert said sternly, or as stern as he could when his hands were shaking and voice trembling.

"What are you-"

"Being here for you. Whether you like it or not."

 

Aaron immediately sat up, pulling his legs to his stomach and wrapping his hands around them, head perched on his knees. Robert knelt beside him and repeated the actions, not without grimacing at the dirty ground.

"You sure about sitting down?, wouldn't want those fancy trousers getting ruined"

Robert just smiled - it might not have been the nicest of comments to hear after weeks of nothing, but the fact Aaron had his trademark snarkiness still, even after witnessing him literally breaking on the ground warmed his heart.

"I'm sure they'll be fine"

 

The two of them sat in silence for some minutes after that, Aaron staring at the gravestone while Robert tried his best to think of some sort of comment to break the ice, something comforting or appropriate to say.

"Flowers are nice."

...Well, at least it wasn't an insult.

Aaron just let out a small laugh. "You can go you know."

"I'm not going anywhere"

"She'll be wondering where you are."

"She's spent the last few weeks watching my every move, she's probably happy to have some time off!" Robert laughed nervously.

 

The two continued to sit in silence.

 

"I didn't know... what today was... if I did I'd-"

"-You'd of what?"

"Been there"

"And done what exactly? You, My mum, Paddy, Adam, what could you do exactly?"

"Take your mind off of it, let you know we're here for you."

"Don't lump yourself with them. They actually want to help. You... I don't even know what you want."

"Like I said, to be there for you. I care about you Aaron"

Aaron just scoffs again.

"Look you might not believe it anymore but I do alright?"

"Doesn't change a thing though does it?"

 

Robert stopped himself from continuing, from arguing with Aaron that he really did care, more than Aaron seemed to believe now. He wondered when suddenly everything became hazy between them - how, a few weeks ago Robert had told Aaron he loved him, how they spent days together in Home Farm being the happiest they'd ever been (or at least Robert knew that was the case for him, despite trying to deny it to himself weeks before). To now, both unsure of what the other was thinking, feeling, how whatever they had, had dissolved into nothing and how suddenly nothing was clear between them again.

So once more, they sat in silence for a few minutes.

 

"Do you think he'd of liked me?"

Aaron looked up at Robert, half wanting to tell him to get lost and leave him alone, the other knowing full well he didn't want Robert to go anywhere.

"No."

"Charming" Robert laughed. "Why not?"

"Because... Jackson was down to earth, honest, caring... he didn't pretend to be something he wasn't to please anyone. And he certainly didn't like arrogant, pompous, dickheads like you."

Robert couldn't help but feel the sharp pain of Aaron's words again, but the pain numbed as Aaron let out a small joking laugh - mostly because Aaron knew the comments were harsh and although Robert deserved them he hadn't the heart to be so cruel.

"Probably wouldn't of liked the way I've treated you either."

"Probably." Aaron sighed.

 

"... Look, Aaron. I heard what you said, earlier, when you thought you were alone."

Aaron's breathing became heavier.

"Get a good laugh out of them? Tragic lovesick Aaron, loving what he can't have once again."

Robert scrunched up his face. "No. Course not. I... I just want you to know. It's not just one sided you know."

"What?"

"I know you think it is but it's not. It's not easy for me either... you're always in my head too. Difference is I don't wanna forget."

"Must be really hard for you what with your wife and big house. And of course you do, why wouldn't you wanna forget, you've got a clean slate now."

"Because I don't know how I'd handle not having it all to remember - not having all those memories of us, together, when we were happy. Even when we weren't... I just don't wanna think about not having that. Because, and I know you won't believe me, despite everything, I wouldn't go back to December 4th and change a single thing I did... well, apart from backing away what would of been some slightly awkward but probably incredibly hot at-the-side-of-the-road sex. But other than that... I wouldn't. Nothing... not Chrissie or anything else changes that. And you're never alone. I'll always be there, whenever you need me. You could of rang me at anytime in these last few weeks and I'd of been there the minute you wanted me to."

Aaron shuffled his body away from Robert's so he could hide the tears streaming from his eyes, hiding his whimpers and trembling lip.

 

"You say that now, when all that time has passed. But you've already made it clear that I'd never be the first option. If it came down to it, and I had made a call to you, told you I needed you, just to be here with me, and Chrissie had needed you too, you'd run to her. And I don't need someone like that. I try my best not to need anyone, but when I do, I need someone who truly WOULD be there for me, no matter what. You'll never be that person. Never."

"That's not tr-"

"-It is. That's the stone cold, hard boiled truth. And that's why I never called you. And that's why it'll never go back to the way things were."

Both boys let out large sighs, the gap between them increasing, but only by Aaron's choosing, not Robert's.

 

"I don't know how I'm supposed to continue pretending like you don't mean anything to me, when you do... you do. So much."

Aaron turned his head slightly, but only slightly so he could continue to hide his tears.

"But like I said... it doesn't change a thing. Whatever your feeling, whatever I'm feeling... it's not gonna make you admit to who you are and be with me. I'm not enough for you to do that."

 

Aaron waited on tender hooks for some sort of response, change of subject or a painful agreement from Robert that he was right...

 

"But that's the thing... you are enough."

 

Aaron's eyes widened but he never moved his body.

 

"More than enough. I mean... I love you. And, it's different. I've never felt like this about anyone. But, it's not what I thought it was. I thought I felt differently because it was fantasy, it wasn't real and it was just this fucked up alternate kind of love that I didn't really need, I'd just be able to forget about it. But I haven't. I know it's cliché to say you don't know what you've got till it's gone but it's true... I didn't realize just how much you meant to me. We've not spoken for weeks... and I know, we've had that before, but this time, it was different. Before I could go back to Home Farm and just, push it aside, be the husband and family man I thought I had to be. I did what I had to because I thought that was what I needed to do. But this time, it wasn't like that. I went back to Home Farm and I just felt... hollow. You don't even know the reason that she took me back, but I'll tell you it was more lies, deceit and manipulation. And I just realized... if I really loved her, how could I do that to her? How could I quite comfortably lie to her and not feel remorse or regret? Yet with you... that's all I feel. I feel like I _have_ to be honest with you, because I never want to see that look in your eyes again. The hurt, pain, the mistrust your eyes show me when you find out I lied to you. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. And if I feel that way with you and not her... then how can I call how I feel about her love anymore? If what I feel for you isn't love, then... I can't even describe what love must feel like, because loving you feels like the best thing in the world right now. It might not of always felt that way, but right here and now, it does."

 

Aaron's tears had dried, but he wasn't sure what to do or say anymore. So he just shuffled close to Robert, wrapping his arm with Roberts and placing his head against his shoulder, which Robert responded by moving his head against Aaron's, placing a kiss in his hair.

 

"I love you too."

 

Robert just closed his eyes, sighed and smiled with relief, finally hearing those words again from Aaron felt like a huge weight lifted from him. The two just sat together for a while, not really doing anything but living, side by side, like they planned to do for the rest of their lives.

It wasn't until Robert pulled up his head that they untangled.

 

"I have to go."

Aaron's heart stopped beating for a few moments.

"Well I've sorta gotta go and do something haven't I? You best head to the pub and forewarn your mother I might be stopping for a while. That'll certainly be a fun experience for us won't it?"

Aaron sighed silently with relief himself before his natural defense kicked in.

"You sure? I mean-"

"I've made my decision. And it's you, alright?"

Robert kissed Aaron's forehead before moving to his lips and kissing him softly, both closing their eyes and smiling.

 

Robert just stood up and placed his hand on Jackson's grave.

"Think me and you will have to have a chat soon about this one!" he laughed, before giving Aaron another kiss and walking off, looking back every few seconds to Aaron and smiling.

 

Aaron just got up and poured the beer from the can he left for Jackson, smiling himself.

 

Maybe June 7th wouldn't always be a bad memory.


End file.
